Tuesday, May 10, 2011

my childhood crush

“In all my life I’ve never loved anyone, but I love you. I’m in love with you and I always will be.”

My childhood crush said this to me at my 21st birthday party. 

I had spent my actual 21st birthday in Ireland.  I threw a toga party and my then-boyfriend's friends got us a wedding cake and wrote fake vows for us.  A bottle of Champagne got sabered, someone else made a penis cake, and there was a lot of drunken singing.

But because 21 is such a big deal in the States, and not as much of a big deal in Ireland (since we'd all been drinking legally since 18 there), I had a birthday party when I got home, too.

It was at that party that I saw my childhood crush for the first time in about 3 years.

After that, the next time I saw him was about 2 years later and we were both newly single.  We never talked about that night or his drunken confession.  I slept in his bed – nothing happened.

This summer he is getting married. 

I'm not jealous, if that's what you're thinking. 

When I was younger, I always imagined that we were betrothed, like Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming.  And that our parents, because they were best friends, wanted us to be together.

But, honestly, it was always a dream; something that could never happen in real life for so many, many reasons.  And as I got older I realized this.  And as I got older, my childhood crush faded into memory.  

I believe that as you go through life, certain people will change you without even trying.  There are certain people that I will always compare or judge others against.  And there are certain people that help you develop into the person you are today.  I recently wrote about the friend who made me realize that I would sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of friendship, even if in the long run the friendship is ruined.  In this case, my childhood crush made start to realize that someone could like me for me – something I felt from him even before I really understood it myself.

So, while I'm not jealous, it is strange to think about him marrying someone else, even if I'm happily in a relationship, too.  Because, it's funny how the memories cling (even memories of things that never happened) as if I should be upset.  But I'm not.

I wish him the best.  I honestly do. 

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