Movie Review: The Thing

I've been told that I do fantastic movie and book reviews – in person, that is.  I think it's because I tend to get excited (read: drunk), flail my arms like Kermit The Frog, and ramble on about what happened, what should have happened, and my opinions on both.

Sometimes this involves voices.  Usually this involves an obscure reference to something elese that isn't even relevant to the movie or book currently being discussed.  Example: Comparing the weird Italian Vampires in that second "Twilight" book to Eddie Izzard's impression of The Queen trying to figure out what a plumber does ("A Plumber?! What on Earth is that?!")…  Really, it only makes sense in my head.  All that being said, I've been told that while people might not have any idea what I'm on about, I'm at least amusing.  So… mission accomplished?

For October, I've decided to try to do some Horror Movie reviews here.  The criteria is that I wanted them to be either pre-1990s and/or B-Horror, and preferably ones that I haven't seen before.  Oh, and I am going to be intoxicated while watching and taking notes.

The first movie we watched was John Carpenter's 1981 version of The Thing.  I had never seen this, but it's one of Boyfriend's favourites, so I decided it would be the first on our list.  Honestly, I didn't even really know what it was about.  Hell, I didn't even know Kurt Russell was in it.

The Thing is about a group of American scientists in Antarctica (there for unknown reasons), who witness a Norwegian man in a helicopter trying to kill a dog.  The helicopter crashes and the man dies with no explanation as to what he was doing, and the team take the dog in.  During the night, the dog mutates and attacks the other dogs.  The team realizes that The Thing is a shape-shifting alien who can take over a body and assume it's form. They no longer know who to trust, if anyone.

I admit that I was a little off-put when I realize that this was Sci-Fi/Horror.  Not that I have a problem with that genre in general, but that wasn't what I really wanted to write about.  Still, I ended up finding this movie intriguing.

First off, the idea of total isolation is very scary.  Not only are they in Antarctica, but a giant storm has also cut them off from any radio communication.  Couple that with the fact that there is a shape shifting alien on the loose and one or more of your companions may be said alien. 

Secondly, the cast is entirely male.  I once had a scriptwriting teacher that said every movie has to have a love story (someone asked "What about Master & Commander" and the teacher said "It's about a man and his love for his boat."  What a load of crap, but I digress).  There really isn't a love story here, no love interests, no damsel in distress, no Femme Fatale, no BAMF!Female, no all male oh-god-were're-gonna-die love affair… The only love here is the characters' love of life – their desire for their own survival.

And finally, the open-ended ending.  I won't spoil the end, but it was done in such a way that you aren't really sure what happens after the credits roll.  You're still not sure if you trust anyone.  You're not sure if the the movie ends on a high note or a down note (like Empire).

So, that's my sober review.  If you are interested in my drunken note taking while watching, you can continue on.  If not, I'll leave you with a shot of Kurt Russell from The Thing.  He still manages to be dead sexy in the middle of an alien attack. In a snow storm. With a beard.  I mean look at his eyes!

Note: CONTAINS SPOILERS AFTER THIS POINT!!

Also, this was written on an iPad while drinking wine from a mug.  The auto-correct is pretty amazing, but I've corrected some of the major typos so that it's intelligible.  This also, like I mentioned at the beginning, contains a TON of references to other movies, books, etc.

My Drunk Review of The Thing!


First impression. Wtf Kurt Russell? Why did no one tell me this before? I very much enjoyed Big Trouble Little China. Thus we like Kurt. And things.

And the movie begins.   I have a MUG OF WINE.

Boyfriend wants me to note the score of this movie. He says it's amazing. We shall see. We shall see.

What's that a space ship? Is this a space movie?

My immediate question is if this is based on HP Lovecraft. Is that a Shoggoth? Oh it's a helicopter.

Why is he trying to kill the dog? I hate this movie already.

Do you know how much that computer costs in 1982?! A lot.  I think.

Man Kurt Russell's beard is epic. I think he mint be a badass.

Helicopter erratic. Will ask if it eats it's young. Just to make sure it's lucid.

People look silly when they fall in the snow and can't move.

ROLLER SKATES. ON THE BLACK DUDES.

One dude looks like he could be wearing today's clothes. This dissolves into a conversation about hipsters and Kurt Russell's feathered hair.  I loose track of the plot already. What are they even researching in Antarctica?

Oh hello dog.  You dig my groovy tunes.

Shut up is he wearing the sorting hat? It might be a sombrero.

I'm gonna say that looks bad, guys. That's a bloody hatchet in the wall
They got guns?
Still
They don't know what their up against yet. They don't they're in an alien Sci-Fi Horror movie yet

SPOILERS GUYS
I think they are in Sweeney Todd. His throat is totally slit. And frozen blood. What up.

Sure let's split up. That sounds like s good ideas. Is they sn ir grave?* No seriously. Did I get that right? *(note: i have no idea what that was supposed to have been.)

Boyfriend makes a Star Wars referene. I get it. Then feel slightly ashamed. But yeah that body might be Uncle Owen.

This actually leads to Blazing Saddles quotes for some reason

Why is the body steaming still? It's cold out there, dude. Hoth cold.

Are they in one of the Dharma stations?

That guys is uuuuuuggggglllllyyyyyyyyyyy.

It's not that I condone the use of drugs but when weird shit is already happening... I'm just saying.

This dog would be lesss creepy if you stopped calling him creepy. Oh shit.

What the fuck was that. Oh geeze they are gonna kill thir other dogs. I officially hate this movie.

At lest he had enough sense to lock it in for the time being. Sound the alarms.

MAC WANTS THE FLAME THROWER.
MAC WANTS THE WHAT?!

I'm not even sure what that'd supposed to be. But it doesn't like getting shot at. And its growing. T-Rex arms. Or something.

For a second I thought the back guy was gonna get it. Like a limo driver.

Everyone is acting oddly calm despite these weird ass turn of events.

Autopsy. How do we know it's dead. Why am I the only one asking these questions. I mean, I've seen ID4 and yes I realized it came out like 10 years later and thus had no influence on this film, but still jump-out moment during autopsy.

They're gonna start killing each other aren't they?

Big plot point. But Kurt Russell had beautiful eyes. That's more important.

The mysterious hat makes a return. This may be a Snow-Western. Is that a genre?  It is now. Bitches.

Another Star Wars reference (that makes 3). Thank you, Boyfirend. But yes, that is the Mellimum Flacon.

The is 100 thousand years old. That seems like a fake guess guys. Random numbers are my specialty.

Ok so we have a conspiracy theorist. And a guy who don't believe in no voodoo bullshit.

This just turned into War Games. I think. Early technology in movies is funny. It all look like Atari games. Atari games that convince poole to kill their teammates. So win.

Smirnff + handgun = good decisions. But Kurt Russell drinks J&B. Not even on the rocks. Just straight from the bottle like a badass.

Seriously I can't get over his eyes. They are amazing. Also these beards are still legendary.

Remember when everyone had beards?

Oh I'm just over Here putting away my nobel prize. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A NOBEL PRIZE. Thats what you think.

Oh god it moved.  And bleeds.

The acting is spectacular. And shit is now going down in lower town.

There is something horrifying about isolation of Antartica.

Ooh good a fire gun. Thats useful. Thanks Johnson.

Everyone is inside. I'm alone. I should investigate that suspicious thing over there.

Dude went nut-bar. I guess it's not Penny's boat.

Suddenly South Park references make more sense. And The Faculty. Tho they used drugs. That was such a great scene. TWEEK TWEEK.

Blood gone. Guns are out. Shits getting real. They're just gonna leave the guns there?

This movie I kinds slow. But John Carpenter does a good job with colours and fade outs.

The Misfits do not have a song about The Thing. I think that might say something.

Seriously tho what is whith the hat? It looks like something they Speedy Gonzalez would wear.

I think he's wearing a proton pack. Inspiration for Ghostbusters is discovered.

Frosty bearded badass

That dudes stomach just bit the arms off that other dude. And then his face came out of the hole. And his head melted off.

I think JB could pull off the Mac look.

He is taking a lot of pleasure in cutting thumbs.

I dont know who to trust. I dont think they do either.

Oh man the practical effects are spectacular. That is not a good make out. He just ate Windows' head.

Can they not tell if it's in them? This is some crazy science. Poor dude in the uniform.

BEST LINE IN THE MOVE: I KNOW YOU'VE GENTLEMEN HAVE BEEN THOUGH A LOT, BUT WHEN YOU GUYS FIND THE TIME I WOULD LIKE TO NOT SPEND THE REST OF WINTER TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH.

How'd he get out. The room is locked from the outside. Let's call Sherlock.

How does he have s secret lab under the ice? How did he build a spaceship? What's going on here?

HALLWAYS

THEY'RE GOING DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

I still have no idea what they are doing in Antartica. Where is the back story? Why does this not matter to other people. They've moved on to explosions but I require plot still. This may be a problem with all the films this month. Hmmmmm

But where has the generator gone? Why is the rum gone?

Oh shit his FINGERS are in th dudes FACE. HES DRAGGING HIM BY HIS FACE. LIKE THE FUCKING TV LADY/WIRE FROM DR WHO.

They can't keep both black dudes so 50/5O you gonna die.

TENTICALS. N-T. THERES A DIFFERENCE.

IS THAT A DINOSAUR? I thnk earlier I wore about T-Rex arms. I was right, bitches

Explosion. No way anyone survived... Or did they? How does he just move that faet?

BEHIND YOU LOOK BEHIND YOU.

WE WON'T LASTLONG
HOW WILL WE MAKE IT
...
THIS IS WHERE THIS COULD TURN INTO A PORN. BUT IT DOESN'T.